Some days this is what I feel like!

It’s so important to me to recognize the moments and milestones big or small because it is in those moments that we really need to reflect and remember how far we have come. Sure life is kind of ok .. really stressful right now and we are having to deal with a lot of things we never thought we would have to, but I keep reminding myself that it is what it is & one way or another it will all work out. So in the mean time I have to remember the good moments & let the stress slip away.

Adam took Aiden into the walk in [again] today. I say again because when they went yesterday there was a two hour wait to be seen. I am glad he didn’t stay partly because that would have been asking for a colossal meltdown and also because that is more germs he could of brought home .. no thanks!  So Adam took him back in this morning. Drum roll please … Yet another bad ear infection, so it looks like it’s time for tubes now. Normally another procedure would have me really worried, but I know many kidlets who have gotten them and it has helped so much. I would do about anything to keep these darn ear infections from coming back! This is the third one in the past few weeks. Then we have the fun of finding antibiotics that do not have corn in them.

This afternoon we all went for a trip to what some could call our second home … Target! Had to pick up some stuff not even cool stuff, just meds, paper towel & more vicks vapor rub. Although while I was there I found the cutest owl clutch! Incase you didn’t already know, I have a slight love of all things owls! Anyways, I have to admit I was worried that our trip in Target would end is tears and tantrums. Much to my surprise it went just fine & then we decided we would test of our luck and grab dinner. Not only did Adam and I eat our entire meal while they were still hot, but everyone got along, there were no tears, no tantrums … just giggles and smiles. It was so nice. We used to avoid going out as a family because things were not always that easy. I am sure there are going to be frustrating days, but they really make me appreciate days like today. It was not too long ago that we would avoid going out, we would avoid doing new things or things out of the routine.

It was also not that long ago that I would hate the idea of grocery shopping. It felt like it was going to be such a daunting task & I was always afraid I would miss something in the label reading and give Aiden something he couldn’t have. Now, seven months later grocery shopping no longer makes me feel like I want to pull my hair out or have a meltdown of my own in the middle of the cereal isle. We have developed a list of things that not only can Aiden have, but that he loves. Makes shopping for him much easier, now if we could only minimize how much we have to spend that would be even better!

Through blogging I have met some wonderful people and in my own community in the past year of this journey called food allergies & autism. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to meet someone who doesn’t look at you with a I have no idea what you are talking about look.

Through blogging I have met two awesome momma’s who write the blog Ventography if you have not checked them out you should! I love their description … “Just Two Mom’s Letting Off Steam”. The first time I visited their blog I instantly knew this was an amazing blog that would become a resource of information but also a place of understanding & a connection to two other awesome mommas!

I read one of their posts recently called Recovering From Recovery written by Molly and it was just what I needed to hear that day. I could not only relate to it, but it was also like I had a DUH! moment. I need to realize that this journey is going to take a lot out of me, Adam, Aiden & the girls that most people who are not on this journey may not understand.

I need to remember that we need to take time to take care of our relationship. Adam and I need to make time to spend time together just the two of us, where the conversation doesn’t revolve around potty training and schedules for the week. Our marriage is far from falling apart, in fact we are in the best place we have ever been, but it’s also in the back of our minds the toll that can be taken on our marriage … “80 percent of marriages that include a child with autism end in divorce”. That is a scary statistic to think about. When we said “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” there were no clauses or loop holes. We made a commitment to each other but also to our kids. We will do everything in our power to not be a part of that 80%.

As much as I need to take care of my kids and my husband I need to take care of me too. I have spent so much time doing research, meal planning, taking care of sick babies & being a working momma that I have let me slip by the way side. I need to worry about my needs every now & then and make time to get my skinny back. Working out has really been a great stress reliever for me & if it makes me skinnier then all the better. I am ready to ditch these dark circles & unflattering clothes and have my confidence back!

I did however get some awesome news this morning! :) We got the results back from my MRI/MRA. I do have a couple of enlarged blood vessels, but I am not developing any blood clots or aneurisms like they were looking for. So I have to keep detoxing from caffeine that has not been easy at all and then I have to continue to keep my stress to a minimum as you can see that is working out well by the first word of this post but now I know that I don’t have a ticking time bomb in my head! That is always good news. I think this put into perspective though that Adam and I need to be prepared. We have three little people who depend on us & need us to think about these things for them … even if it is just in case. So we will be meeting with the lawyer soon. In all reality we have more then just who will take care of the babies to think about, we also have to think about Aiden & all of his needs. Until all of this neither one of us even thought about power of attorney either. Time to grow up & get those important things taken care of. Time to pull up the big girl panties!

I am happy though that I got the green light to to start working out again. It’s been a LONG week without being able to workout. I have been going everyday and racking up the miles so I am ready to get back to it! Also what clears the stress like a nice long run to some loud music?!

As if that was not enough, yesterday was my MRI/MRA. Once again I am hoping for definitive answers so Adam and I know what we are dealing with. I hate the waiting game & hearing that the probability that something very serious is going on. I have too much going on & a family … Hearing that all of my blood work came normal was a relief but also caused a lot of anxiety because that is one more thing that has been ruled out, leading her to believe even more that this is most likely enlarged blood vessels or the beginning of an aneurism. I don’t like phone calls from her now. When I see the doctors office come up on the caller ID now I instantly go into a panic. Not at all helping me to do the following doctors orders of no stress. Not to mention that I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life while in the MRI/MRA yesterday. As if feeling like I was in a coffin was not enough, I had to have a device over my head and be strapped in so I wouldn’t move. Needless to say that 45 minutes felt like forever. On the bright side it is done now & now we wait. Fingers crossed.

This whole thing was really a huge reality check for Adam and I. We have to think about the unthinkable. Our kidlets if something happens to us. It makes me cry just thinking of not being with my kids, but it’s a reality we need to think about. Especially because of Aiden. It’s so hard though trying to think of who you would want to take care of your kids if you couldn’t. Who will love them like you do/would? Who would be the person to entrust with the three most important things in your life? None of those things are questions that I can or want to think about answering. I am praying with everything that this will be easily resolved. In the mean time we have some big decisions to make. Nothing makes you more homesick & miss your family then times like this. I am ready for answers and peace of mind.

To him they will always be his baby girls

This post is inspired by an “incident” as my husband refers to it :) involving two boys and our youngest daughter today on their field trip. I thought it was adorable, he was ready to get up from the dinner table and go gun shopping [kidding I promise!]. Boys take this as a warning & be sure you clearly understand the rules posted :)

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

If you want to date these two then you are going to have to go through him and of course their little brother who growls, sometimes bites and is very protective of his big sisters!

He doesn't normally look like this, unless he is participating in a 80's themed parade. But he can be scary and intimidating when it comes to anything involving boys and his little girls.

For a while now, Hailey has been telling us how nice Jacob is to her. I mean he did hold the door for her on their field trip to the pumpkin patch this fall & held her hand and helped her onto the wagon! How sweet is that right? Well, apparently Jacob “loves” our Hailey. He was very disappointed today when he found out that he was not going to be her bus buddy. He was even more upset when he saw that Connor was sitting right next to Hailey during the play. Apparently he REALLY wanted to sit by her. On the way home, Jacob and his bus buddy sat in a seat across from us on the bus. This is how the conversation went …

Jacob: Are you Hailey’s mom? Me: Yes, I am. Are you Jacob? Jacob: Yup! [long pause] So Hailey’s mom … I want to marry Hailey! Can I marry her? I think she is so pretty and my daddy tells my mommy a lot how pretty she is Me: That is so nice of your daddy! If you want to marry Hailey, you are going to have to ask her daddy. Connor: No Jacob! I want to marry Hailey! She is going to be my girlfriend!!  Jacob: No! You can’t! I am going to marry her. She is only almost 4 and already boys are fighting over her. Hailey: Don’t fight about it! I have enough jobs for both of you to help me with.

I about died laughing!! Apparently to Hailey being married means having someone to help her with jobs. Hopefully she marries someone who is as talented as her daddy is with construction, building & engineering! The other moms and I on the bus were awww’ing at the rest of the conversation that continued the rest of the way back to school. By the end of the conversation it was clear that not only did both boys want to marry Hailey, but they both are going to marry her.

Hailey’s way of solving it … Telling Adam “Daddy, it’s ok! I am going to go on a date to playland with both of them. Don’t worry!”

Adam is not fond of the idea that boys have noticed our girls and their “pretty brown m&m eyes” preschool boys & their compliments are so adorable but it was bound to happen! Until the day he walks them down the isle, I think he will be cleaning guns and sending out warnings!

When we walked into the theater & found out seats … Hailey started looking around at the theater & said “WOW! This is so fancy! I love it here!” I agree the theater is an amazing & beautiful place! It was so awesome that she and I got to share that experience with her!

We saw The Hungry Caterpillar, Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See & Papa Please Get The Moon For Me. Then we went & had a lunch date just Hailey & I!

Hanging out & coloring before we left to go to the theater!

We had so much fun! The play was awesome! I can’t say that I miss riding on a school bus, but even that wasn’t so bad. I also had the cutest company too!

I had three preschoolers who sat with me during the play. I must have the mom vibe because I had one on each arm snuggling and one in my lap & whenever we were not in our seats I always had little hands to hold onto. It was precious!

My baby girl is growing up so fast! Before we left for the theater we got to hang out and play! It was so much fun! They are doing some awesome things at preschool. Hailey told me I should have two jobs .. the one I have now my “day time job” according to her is being a superhero who helps all of the kids and their momma’s and daddy’s who need help & a hug. I love her perspective on the world & my job. Make me smile every time and my other job should be hanging out at preschool with her and her friends!

Love her smile & giggles

After we got back to preschool she and I went out for our lunch date! It was so much fun to spend time with my not so little girl. In less then a month my baby will be turning 4! I am not sure I am ready for that yet! I want a pause button so I can savor moments & memories like today for a little bit longer!

I also came home to a super cute surprise!

Isn't this adorable! I am such a lucky auntie :)

Mail from the worlds sweetest nephew! Uncle Adam & Auntie Rachel got the cutest valentine from one of my favorite boys in the world!

The kids also got their own valentine from their super awesome cousin too! :) I read it to Hailey & her response was “Awwww, that makes my heart so happy!”

I am so excited to see them in a couple of weeks! What makes a birthday weekend even better? Getting to spend it with the sister, rents & of course Dylan! I am looking forward to some fun w. Sarah! We are getting pedi’s, grabbing lunch and of course doing some shopping!! It will be so nice to have some much needed family time & relaxing!

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”

― Mother Teresa

Everyday is a new challenge, even if it is a great day. It’s not that everyday that Aiden is the challenge, but I can’t tell you the things that we have had to deal with in the past couple of weeks since according to some “publicly announcing Aiden’s diagnosis”. We have lost friends & friendships that I never thought would change because of something as simple as a diagnosis. I mean I know it’s not the diagnosis that caused this particular friendship to end, it was my blog post about ignorant comments that was the reason we are no longer friends. I don’t think a true friendship can be ended by a blog post, because I think it has been coming for a little while now. If you know me then you know that I am who I am and I won’t change because someone else doesn’t like it. Like me. Don’t. It’s your choice. I also will not delete my post because someone who opened their mouth and let their ignorance become a public comment is now embarrassed that it was quoted in a blog post. Sorry, our friendship has now ended, our kids won’t play together anymore but I am not sorry that I stood up for my son.

With that all being said, I can’t thank all of you who have been beyond understanding & supportive enough. I know I say it all the time, but it means so much to Adam and I. We are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives. Thank you! 

Then there is the insurance company & my problem with them right now. I will spare you the play by play of them now holding us responsible for all of Aiden’s medical bills from last year. You know, because Adam and I have over $90,000 to pull out of thin air. They wanted a diagnosis a year ago .. my response was “SO DID WE”. I told her that I wanted to know a long time ago what was going on with Aiden. Who knows how all of this is going to work out, but somehow .. someway .. it will.

At the end of the day though, all of this doesn’t matter ok I know it does, but if I worried about it as much as I could be I think my head might explode, I would drive my family nuts, I wouldn’t sleep … Oy, the problems that would come from that! Sometimes you just have to laugh! Sometimes laughter is the only thing that keeps me from crying.

While I was pinteresting I came across some awesome sayings t-shirts about autism. There were too funny not to share! “Keep staring, you might cure my child’s autism. Then we can work on your social skills” .. “Autism is not the tragedy, ignorance is“.

Today I will spend this sunday morning, making some yummy stuffed french toast with strawberries & whipped cream on top .. snuggling with my babies .. cleaning & doing laundry not as much fun, but can’t have my kids going to school tomorrow in their pajamas :) but most of all remembering that everything else is minor & in one way or another will be taken care of.

“Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be.” Leave it to a Beatles  song to sum up what I need to do & remember!

Reblogged from A Ventography!:

TO WATCH VIDEO CLICK LINK→   ramen-digestion_n_1263825.html?ncid=webmail6 While we lived on Ramen noodles in college, once autism came into our lives, we became believers in the importance of a healthy, whole foods diet. We now regularly annoy our friends and family members by lecturing them on the dangers of processed foods – preservatives, additives, etc. When we saw this video, we felt validated. Here, before your very eyes, you can see the difference in how your body processes “real” versus “fake” …

This is amazing to watch! We also I am sure regularly annoy our friends & family with Aiden’s food allergies & diet needs.

Relaxing: Make or become less tense or anxious. Rest or engage in an enjoyable activity so as to become less tired or anxious.

I don’t know about you, but relaxing is not something that I do often & if I do it’s usually because I have to, not because I make time to do it. It’s like bed rest during pregnancy .. You don’t do it because you enjoy it, but because you have to. I need to learn how to make time to slow down, breath and to relax a little bit.

“Momma. You are my momma. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You never know how much I love you. Don’t take my momma away”. You may not have been able to understand each word but you could tell he was trying & that is what he was saying. It made me cry. Partly because I am so tired and dealing with a lot right now so I am super emotional & also because it was a true sign of how far he has come. He just sang me a song … And not just any song but he sang me his “momma song” :) We now can sing FOUR songs together!

In other not so sweet news … Adam broke his finger tonight. I will spare you a picture of the gruesome scene called his finger/hand right now. He was putting in his water pump that thankfully broke open when he pulled on our street on sunday morning not like when we were traveling back from out of town or when we had the kids in the car. It also helped that it was his car and not mine. His water pump is much cheaper! The last thing we need right now is another huge car repair bill! Yet, this time it cost him a finger. My poor husband. He is super tired from having to leave for work at 6am this morning to take a group of reps out to breakfast and then on a tour. Then he came home early to take care of me. These headaches are getting worse, so he came home to help with the kids & to fix his car while we took much needed naps! Well I awoke to a husband in pain he is one of those husbands who almost has to be on his death bed to complain of pain or go to the doctor! So when I heard “RACH! Rach I need to go to the walk in” I am pretty sure I shot straight up from the couch. Oh well just another day in our life.

This is what I feel like doing right now!!

Between Aiden’s doctors appointments and mine …. Not only have we reached our deductible for the year, but we not have yet another round of lets play what in the world is going on now. I went to the doctor today because I have been having bad headaches and by bad I mean like sudden onset & they don’t even hold a candle to the migraines I get regularly. Also getting blurred vision is not my idea of a fun time either.

My doctor never has had a panicked look on her face. She is one of those doctors who can make you feel like everything is peachy even when it’s not … today was not one of those days. When she heard about what was going on she immediately told me that I needed to make an appointment for brain scans. Long story short … I am going in next week to have some tests done in addition to the 8 … yes EIGHT vials of blood they took today. So in the next couple of days I should know something from that in the next couple of days. In the mean time I have to come to the realization that I most likely have at least one enlarged blood vessel in my brain. I had too many of the warning signs and symptoms for her not to be worried and concerned. So I was told I need to get off caffeine all together and keep off it it, reduce stress to a minimum haha that should be easy … NOT! and also I need to stop holding in my sneezes. Who knew that would be an issue!

UGH! I do not have time to deal with one more thing! Seriously … An aneurism! I went in there thinking this was going to be an issue with my blood pressure … not something that would require the skills of Derek Shepherd!

So goodbye carmel hot chocolates, CHOCOLATE, salted carmel mochas and diet coke … But as Kaitlin so sassily said … You can still have wine. Yes! I can still have wine. Ok, so maybe I will be able to get through this.